"heartbreaker no more." -- indian dimple

"i hate you!" seems very natural to utter when you are hurting and angry to one person.  but hating seems hard if the person that wronged you is someone you care, treasure and love.  think about this -- do you really get to hate the person that hurt you, if you love him also?

i will always remember and associate what a friend told me, every time i encounter the word "hate".  once he heard me uttered, "i really hate her!" cause i was so pissed-off with that person at that time.  then he told me, "you know, hate is a very strong word." i was kind of surprise and felt so corrected. i was not offended by what he told me, but i realize that "hate" in deed is a very strong word to use against another person.  and from that time on,  it made me aware how to carefully use that term.

just this morning, on my way to the office, that word keeps on coming in my mind. "hate, hate, hate" not because i am hurting (yes, i am not at my right self (again) today), but i was trying to meditate and check my heart if i have any of it against the person that freshly wounded me. i checked it once, twice, thrice and so many times. i am certain that i do not have "hate" in my heart, and i do not hate the person at all.

i can not hate him, and i will never hate him.  no matter how wounded my heart is, i can never hate a person that resides in my heart.  he might have wounded me deeply now, but that same person loves me as well and takes care of me. and i also thought of the other people that once loved and hurt me -- no matter how hurt i was then, as i asses it now -- i do not hate them, i do not hate them at all.  and i believe that hating the people you love is the most exhausting thing to do.  it drains you, just thinking of hating them is a waste.  

things happen for a reason -- people come, stay and go. we laugh, love and cry.  and all these events happened and made us to be the person we are right now.  i am stronger and better.

i am hurting now, but i do not hate.

why can't i just think of you and not cry.  i remember you every now and then, but my eyes still shed tears, why? we have good memories of each other, but why does my heart aches every time i remember you?  

i was once asked, to remember the people who made me cry most and hurt me -- then i cried.  i know in my heart that i do not hate you at all, i know deep inside me that i have no anger or anything against you...but i am sad.  

i wanted to smile again every time i remember you.  i wanted to have the excitement again every time i look back and think of you.    

how can your goodbye give tears and cover all our good memories?  why can't i look at your photos without sadness in my eyes?   

this is sad, really sad.